Dating With Sickle Cell Can Be a Psychologically Damaging Affair

Over my years as an adult, I’ve often faced difficulties dating with Sickle Cell. Many of these complications come into play on a psychological level, but there have also been occasions where I take sick after sharing intimacy with a partner. In this diary, I will explain my experiences in hopes that readers and sufferers will understand.

When it comes to intimacy

I lost my virginity later than most. This is mainly because sex wasn’t something of high importance throughout my teens. Being in and out of hospital affected my early academic career; and it meant that I wasn’t in good standing with my peers on a social level. Looking back, I’m sure it was difficult for many people my age to relate to me. I was likely seen as an outsider and unattractive to the opposite sex as a result.

It wasn’t until the age of 22 when I first found myself in a stable relationship. I was fortunate enough to have a girlfriend who understood what Sickle Cell was. She even had a best friend who suffered from the disease.

I would soon discover that being too intimate without taking the necessary precautions (such as taking my medicine, drinking enough water and staying away from alcohol) could bring about a crisis. A few times I took sick while in my girlfriend’s company. She would then need to arrange for someone to drive me back home, where I could be treated accordingly. This kind of experience can bring about long-standing psychological trauma. I ended feeling like a burden to my girlfriend.

When it comes to understanding

Dating as a Sickle Cell sufferer can be daunting. I’ve found through my own experience that it’s mainly black women who understand what Sickle Cell is, and even if they don’t, they seem more willing to accept and support me through it.

Women of other races may be less aware of Sickle Cell as it is a genetic disorder that primarily affects blacks and asians. This is down to Sickle Cell being an evolutionary cure to malaria. The body adapted to fight the disease. And that means Sickle Cell is a disorder that has been passed down to specific genetic bloodlines.

There are women out there who need and require their men to be there for them at a moment’s notice. No matter what. And these types of women may be less understanding of the needs of a Sickle Cell sufferer. There have been situations where I’ve over-extended myself to women who have no concept of understanding my complications and physical limitations. This creates a tough dynamic for me as I take pride in being there for anybody who needs me. I want to be seen as a reliable man by my lady and I remain conscious of the fact that I’m competing with her previous experiences with men. If I am unable to meet the expectation that she’s come to expect from her man, then I feel weak and inferior. This drives me to extend myself beyond my limitations. And too much of this can lead to crisis.

In one case, I broke up with a girlfriend right before I went into hospital, simply because I didn’t believe she would be supportive enough during the months it would take for me to recover. It wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, but it was a huge part of it.

What’s more, there are days when as a sufferer, my state of mind takes a beating. Depression is common when you have been living with such a disorder your whole life. There are days when I just need to be alone, whether because of pain or because of the depression that comes with it. Many women that I’ve been with cannot understand this need to be alone. It’s something they may take personally.

Of course, this is all situational, and it depends on how much the disorder affects your day-to-day living. I believe it’s possible to find the perfect partner that will support you no matter what (and you must do likewise in return), but it can take some serious luck for a sufferer to find the right person.

When it comes to mentality

I am constantly at war with myself when it comes to my state of mind. It is why sometimes I feel it is easier for me to be single. As I get older and the pains begin to affect me more frequently, I continuously worry about letting a woman down or not being there for her in a way that a “normal”man could. This self-doubt has destroyed a number of my most recent relationships with women.

Women want a man who is confident. A man who will tell her they are going to do something and then deliver on it. But when you live a life that can be disrupted at any moment by chronic pain, it’s hard to know what tomorrow will bring. It makes picturing the perfect relationship hard, because a perfect life seems like an unattainable concept. Worst of all, I’ve come to not even enjoy talking about my struggles with a woman, because of the fear that I come across as a whiny complainer. Which I know is completely unattractive.

How do you know when someone is right?

Dating can be a difficult thing whether you have a lifelong blood disorder or not. Besides having Sickle Cell, there will be a hundred other obstacles for you and your partner to face. With this in mind, all I can do is provide a list of qualities to look out for that signifies you may be with the right person. I can’t tell you how or where to find them as I am still trying to figure this out myself. But here are some things I’ve valued immensely from some of the women I’ve been with.

Things to look for when dating with Sickle Cell

• They ask how you feel regularly: I often find that during the early stage of a new relationship this will be a common thing. But their desire to check in on you may dwindle over time. Finding someone who checks in on you regularly out of genuine concern (and not the need to gain favour with you) is something that should be cherished. This is not something that needs to be a daily thing, especially if you are seeing your partner regularly. But having someone in your life that cares about you every step of the way is something that every sufferer needs.There was a point in time where I wouldn’t even need to list this. Unfortunately, society has changed so much over the years that displaying genuine concern is no longer common. Or, it could just be that I’ve dated the wrong people.
• They want to attend appointments with you: I would never ask someone to attend one of my frequent blood tests, or my check-ups with the consultant. I see it as my problem and therefore I’m 100% willing to face it on my own. But if you find that your partner actively wants to come along with you for support then that’s something that should be greatly appreciated.
• They comfort you in times of pain and crisis: I often like to just be left alone in bed on my bad days. The thought of being a burden on anyone makes me feel worse. But if your partner tries to comfort you by rubbing your aches and pains, cuddling you, or generally just providing moral support, then trust me, she / he is a keeper. I once spent the day at an ex-girlfriend’s house while I was unwell. She later ended up arguing with me because I wasn’t able to do what she wanted. It’s safe to say that was one of the most hurtful days of my life.
• They force you to keep drinking water: As a Sickle Cell sufferer, you absolutely must drink 2-4 litres of water per-day. It’s easy to forget to do this as you get caught up doing other things. But if you find that your partner is routinely shoving water in your hands, and instinctively knows when you need it the most, hold onto them for as long as you can.
• They are considerate of your condition when making plans: If you find that your partner is factoring in your disorder when making plans to do things (such as going on holiday) then it shows how selfless they are. For instance, if you want to get away somewhere in Europe, and she’s purposely avoiding Scandinavian territories because they are colder, this is something you should pick up on and treasure. Of course, this would make me more willing to visit one of those countries if she strongly desired it, just to show her I am also willing to suffer through the cold for her.
• They are considerate in regards to intimacy: When you have a disorder that causes you to exert yourself easily and suffer with pain, it means you may have problems performing in the bedroom from time to time. Or, there may be weeks or months where you’re not able to have sex. This could end up being the biggest test of your relationship. It’s important to know that your partner understands and respects this.

On the flip side to all of this, it’s important to show your appreciation for your partner. You are not the only human with needs in this union. You must return the same love you receive. As a sufferer, it’s easy to become desensitized. My biggest flaw is alienating people because I don’t want to be a burden to them. This thinking will inevitably push people away. Be sure to return the same amount of love and compromise that you receive. If not more.